Monday, December 29, 2008

Out of Control

There is only one way to describe my recent eating habits, and that is out of control. This is a long ranting post, so please don't feel like you have to read, but I have to make my confession. I have probably been eating around 3,000-4,000 calories a day for at least two weeks. I'm doing OK today because I realize I have to make the choice, but I'm really struggling. I "feel" hungry. I think I am hungry. I'm just not sure. I think it is stress eating, since I'm a lot nervous about being unemployed and going back to school.

I eat a whole meal, and then I could sit down and eat the whole thing again. I am feeling deprived. I'm worried if I don't eat EVERYTHING now, it won't be there later. I don't know how to move past this. I have done it before and I can do it again, the problem is getting to that point. I feel good when I eat, I don't feel bad until I'm done gorging.

I am really venting. It is so hard to get back on track. It is really easiest to just stay on track and then not have to go through this process again, but somehow I forget that. I feel like an emotional trainwreck. I feel upset and angry that I got to this point again. I'm trying really really hard right now to stay out of the kitchen, and all the gum, tic-tacs, or water in the world isn't helping. This must be self-pity, because I cannot figure out what else it might be. I just feel like a fake and phony. I do so well, only to be derailed and fall off the wagon over and over...


Kari said...

Sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much with your eating. I have to admitt that since I got back from New York my eating hasn't been superb by any means. I wouldn't say you have fallen off but more so like you have one foot left in the wagon and the rest of you is getting dragged along. Grab hold and pull yourself back on, and the easiest way to do this is to PLAN PLAN PLAN. We have no groceries in the house and that is resulting in me making poor choices. Once we get groceries and I plan my meals out I know I'll make better choices. DON"T feel like a fake or a phony, and don't be angry about and learn. One of these times what live learn and begin to live by will stick. I'm determined of that! Hugs. Hang in there!!

Andrea said...

Okay, you've had a couple of bad weeks. Let me assure you that you are definitely NOT alone in this. The holidays are one of the hardest times for all of us - we get caught up in the act of eating for the sake of eating & it has nothing to do with fuel for our bodies or hunger. Don't beat yourself up over it - just try to refocus & start again. I know that's my plan. I find that when I worry too much about what I've already done, I want to throw my hands in there air & say, "Oh well, I'm done - I've failed!" The truth is that we only fail if we do quit trying. Yes, so you've probably gained a little weight - so did I (& I'm pretty sure I'm up more than the 1/2 lb I thought, but I forgot to weigh this morning), but I'd be willing to bet you didn't do as bad as last year & that my friend is progress!

Tony said...

No one is perfect.

I've been in the same boat for the past few weeks as well. In my experience, the first step towards getting back on track is realizing what has happened and you've done that. Conscious eating and going through what made you eat this or that helps tremendously. You can do this :).

MizFit said...

love yourself.
reminder yourself just what you said here. the food will be there later and theres no need to eat!it!all!now!

and if you do --- then tell yourself it's OK.
and try to look ahead and move forward and EMBRACE THE FEELINGS YOU ARE HAVING which are leading to the longing to fill the void.

fear? sadness? stress?

Natalia said...

OK - I've had some days like that, a lot actually, I gained back about 10 pounds and just recently got back on track. I was eating whole half gallons of ice cream....that's my thing. Be kind to yourself, and no matter what, don't give up! When you are ready to get back on track you will. Just try to make the best choices you can for yourself today. You can't change what you've done, only what you will do! Focus on what your feeling! Call a friend, write a blog post and just keep it as a draft if it's too personal to post. You WILL come out the other side of this!

butterfly said...

It's so hard. All logic and restraint seem to disapear at these times. I feel you and I think this time of year is just terrible for eating. I actually had to take a post-food nap on X-mas day. This was not good, regardless of how much I "thought" was in control.

You'll be back on track in no time, you'll get your "mojo" back.

Happy New Year!

Trisaratops said...

My healthy eating switch gets turned off a lot around the holidays. And it is a slippery slope! You will find your way again - I know it! Don't beat yourself up - it doesn't help.